you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
