hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
