never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
