meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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