Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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