dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
