Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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