well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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