dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
