i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
