I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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