yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
