Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
