Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
