I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Actions speak louder than pants.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
