I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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