Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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