ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
