Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
