I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
