I'm so fucking centered right now
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Holy sore nipples Batman
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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