Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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