so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think my vagina is haunted
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
