I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
