He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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