Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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