I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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