Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
