just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
