Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
