Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
