ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
