when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
