Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
