I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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