I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
