Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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