im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
