I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
