he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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