I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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