Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
