Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
