Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
