My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
