I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
