I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
