i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
