is wine microwaveable?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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