I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
